*sigh*

This year has been one hell of a ride so far. I've screwed up so many ways, so many times already and my love life appears doomed. On the bright side, I have a counseling appointment tomorrow with a new shrink. But on the dark side, I screwed up. Umm... things with Jon got very confusing, very fast and we both got hurt in the process. We almost kissed (::cringes because I'm giving Auntie Lori access to this again and she gets to read all this::) but I decided not to risk the friendship by kissing him. We spent something like 3 hours, if not longer, talking in his room the morning of the first. (All we did was talk, pretty much.) We talked, we laid there, we just kinda hung out. I nearly melted into goo when he had his arms around me and was kissing my neck (btw:definite weakness of mine) but somehow I held my reserve and didn't kiss him (no matter how much I wanted to). I went to sleep on the couch around 5, feeling like crap, thinking I'd made a mistake. Over the next few days, I came to the conclusion that I couldn't. I couldn't kiss him or hold his hand or anything because while we were talking he said something and I guess I heard him wrong because what I heard was "You know I do pot, right?" and my friend was talking to him yesterday and he told her that he'd been clean for four months. So last night we got into a bit of a tiff because I told him my rule. Get clean, get sober, get saved, or get lost. I didn't think he was clean or saved and he apparently is. So now he's mad and hurt and he told me that he never had feelings for me (which, btw:I know isn't true). I could handle him saying that he doesn't have feelings for me anymore but to say he never had feelings for me killed me. Oh and umm by the way, I think I'm in love with him. I don't use those words lightly and I don't just throw them around like they're candy. Those words have only ever entered my thoughts about him... Jon's a complicated matter and either we'd be perfect together and it'd be one of the best things to ever happen to us or it would completely wreck whatever shreds of friendship we've still got and it would be the worst possible thing ever. Who knows what it would be? So that's my life recently. A lot of confusion and a lot of hurt.

Auntie, can I ask you a question or three? Is he lying? Is Jon really clean or just saying that? Is he (to the best of your knowledge) saved? Sorry for throwing this at you. Guess I might as well let Mom read this now too since I'm sure you'll wind up talking to her about it... lol

Vickey