I'm sorry

I know I haven't updated lately. I've got to clarify what I said in my last entry but I haven't the patience at the moment. I've clarified it to Betty herself and that is what matters in my mind. But I'd like to clarify it here and for you. I'll just have to find the words to do so. For right now, I can't find them and I can't think clearly to find them. Right now I feel like the mother in The Upside of Anger. I try to come off one way, I want to come off that way, but I don't. I say or do the wrong thing and everything winds up screwed. I just wish I could come off the way I'm trying to. Yes, I'm mad that Betty didn't use a condom but, I'm past that. She made a mistake and she didn't PLAN on getting pregnant. I can't really make the words come out right right now. I debated deleting that last entry but, I realized that every reaction I have to this is valid and I want to keep that. I'll look back on this some day and I'll realize that getting mad was probably not the best reaction and that posting it in here where Betty can read it was probably the worst thing to do. That reactions like that should go in my handwritten journal. But I made a mistake. Just like Betty. My mistake changed our relationship just as much as hers did. Things between us are tense and frustrating now. They're nothing I want to deal with but because of our mistakes they're like that. And maybe we can get over it, soon. Maybe not. Maybe it'll take us a while but, who knows? I sure don't. But I do know this: whatever I want to say turns out wrong. And I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that I'm fucked up. I'm sorry that everything that comes out of my mouth sounds fucked up. I can't help it. Right now I'm the personality I hate. Betty will understand that better than the rest of you I'm sure. But the point is whatever I say seems to come out screwed up and I can't help it. It seems that if I do get my point across it comes out harshly or by the time I get my point across, my point has changed. Betty, I'm sorry that I hold so much influence over you. I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings with my last post. I hope that you can forgive my feelings. I know we can never go back to what we were. Our mistakes have assured us that. We've changed in the past two months. We're not who we were before school started. But, to quote my mother, who says that this means we can't be closer than we were before?

Okay, that's enough gut spilling for today. That's enough revealation of my heart and soul for one day. I love you all.

Vickey