I'm sorry

I know I haven't updated lately. I've got to clarify what I said in my last entry but I haven't the patience at the moment. I've clarified it to Betty herself and that is what matters in my mind. But I'd like to clarify it here and for you. I'll just have to find the words to do so. For right now, I can't find them and I can't think clearly to find them. Right now I feel like the mother in The Upside of Anger. I try to come off one way, I want to come off that way, but I don't. I say or do the wrong thing and everything winds up screwed. I just wish I could come off the way I'm trying to. Yes, I'm mad that Betty didn't use a condom but, I'm past that. She made a mistake and she didn't PLAN on getting pregnant. I can't really make the words come out right right now. I debated deleting that last entry but, I realized that every reaction I have to this is valid and I want to keep that. I'll look back on this some day and I'll realize that getting mad was probably not the best reaction and that posting it in here where Betty can read it was probably the worst thing to do. That reactions like that should go in my handwritten journal. But I made a mistake. Just like Betty. My mistake changed our relationship just as much as hers did. Things between us are tense and frustrating now. They're nothing I want to deal with but because of our mistakes they're like that. And maybe we can get over it, soon. Maybe not. Maybe it'll take us a while but, who knows? I sure don't. But I do know this: whatever I want to say turns out wrong. And I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that I'm fucked up. I'm sorry that everything that comes out of my mouth sounds fucked up. I can't help it. Right now I'm the personality I hate. Betty will understand that better than the rest of you I'm sure. But the point is whatever I say seems to come out screwed up and I can't help it. It seems that if I do get my point across it comes out harshly or by the time I get my point across, my point has changed. Betty, I'm sorry that I hold so much influence over you. I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings with my last post. I hope that you can forgive my feelings. I know we can never go back to what we were. Our mistakes have assured us that. We've changed in the past two months. We're not who we were before school started. But, to quote my mother, who says that this means we can't be closer than we were before?

Okay, that's enough gut spilling for today. That's enough revealation of my heart and soul for one day. I love you all.

Vickey

Well...

9/27

Bullshitted that assignment. I really need to start doing my English homework because straining my mind for an example and ending up with a diaper commercial is not cool. And my leg still hurts horribly but at least I'm not Betty. She went to her mom's ob/gyn this morning. She has to go back in two weeks for her STD results but, she is (in her words) "most deff. pregnant" and due on May 23rd. Both my parents know, her mom knows, and Damien's mom knows. When I see Damien next, he is getting on hell of an earful. I am livid. I am pissed. She hoped she was. She "wants a story to tell". As the next nine months pass, it's going to get nearly impossible to conceal her identity. Her true identity will be revealed and she'll be screwed. Betty is a large part of my life. Already it's difficult. She's in for a long road whether she keeps the baby or not. The PPH website had the nerve to say most women don't feel sadness, regret, or depression after an abortion. I'm pissed. Why wasn't she smart enough to use a fucking condom? Why wasn't he? A condom is not fucking hard to get ahold of!

That's it. That's what you're gonna get pissed at me for, Betty. (Yeah, she can read this journal, fyi.) I'm going to go take advantage of the clean tub after I do my global homework. More entries tomorrow. When I'm avoiding my dad's girlfriend. bwahaha

Vickey

Well...

Don't have time for an update tonight but, Betty is pregnant. She's due May 23rd. More tomorrow.

Vickey

Options

Damien told his mom and Betty told hers. Her dad doesn't know yet. Betty and my mom are kinda close so Betty called Mom and they talked. Mom said that if Betty gives the baby up for adoption, the baby can go to Mom.  I've got about fifty billion questions but, none of them are really my concern. Stuff like who's gonna name the baby? What last name will it have? (Damien's, Betty's, or Mom's?) Will the baby know his/her mother is Betty? Will Damien know the baby? What will this baby call me? Legally, it'll be my half-sibling but, Betty and I have known for years that we'll be like aunts to each others children so will it be my little sibling or my neice or nephew? Obviously Samantha and Betty's baby would be raised as siblings. There's a lot of questions I have and none of them are really things that have to be thought of until some time down the road and certainly none of them really are my business. They're between Betty and Mom and Ray or whatever other couple she chooses to raise her child. Betty's not in favor of abortion and never has been. She also realizes that it would be nearly impossible to raise her baby herself and wants what is best for her child. Mind you, none of this is for sure. She still hasn't been to the doctor to confirm or deny her pregnancy. Thanks, y'all for listening to this. I'm gonna go repack my bag since I'm going to Lindz's tonight.

The Saga Continues...

I talked to Damien today about Betty. Mind you, it was on the bus so we were basically talking in code. But he asked if I still wanted to give him that speech and I told him no. It's as much Betty's fault as his. And if there are "reprocutions" (aka if she's preggers), he'd be getting a speech and much more from me. Betty came over after school. Well, around 7:30, she got here. And she took a test. And it had a bold line to show it was working... and a faint one that meant... she's pregnant. She's 15! I don't know what she's gonna do but, for one, she's gonna get a dr. to tell her if it's right or not. Then she's got three choices: keep it, abort it, or give it up for adoption. And I have no clue how to advise her. All I know is that my mom was 15 when she had my older brother. She had to give him up 6 months later when she couldn't keep up with school and take care of him. Then 1 1/2 after she gave him up, along I came. I just want what is best for Betty in the long run. What that is, God only knows. (And she doesn't know this last part but, I've known or at least highly suspected she was for a while. Ever since she said that her stomach was hard. Which, I believe, is how Bernadette found out about Pey.)

Daddy's Little Girl...

I was Daddy's Little Girl. Some part of me always will be. And part of me is returning there. I used to hear this song and want to barf because I "hate him so much". Now, I hear it and wish I were seven again and Daddy's Little Girl. I think it killed my parents when they went from Mommy and Daddy to Mom and Dad. Daddy changed slower though. Is it pride that's keeping me from how I (sometimes) want to act? To be sweet and innocent and Daddy's Little Girl? To call him "Daddy" instead of the "Father I whip out when I'm especially pissed? Damn pride.

I have a business call to make tomorrow (to my lawyer) so I need some rest. Good night, y'all.
Vickey

sex

I have a friend that might be pregnant. For the sake of this entry, I'm going to call her Betty. Her name is not Betty and I don't know anyone named Betty which makes this a perfect pseudo-name. So a few days ago Betty rode my bus because she didn't know what her bus number was. The bus was packed and I got on before her (she stopped to talk to a friend) so when she got on she had to sit on this guy's lap. We'll call this guy Damien because I don't know anyone named Damien and it's not his name so it makes a perfect pseudo-name. We both know Damien and he thinks of me as a little sister. Not so with Betty. He's got the hots for Betty and she knows it. Well, Betty decided to go hang out with Damien instead of coming to my house til her dad could pick her up. While they were hanging out, somehow they decided to have sex. So now Betty lost her virginity, might have STD's (Damien is sexually active and probably hasn't been tested), and there's a chance she might be pregnant. She has to get to a clinic to get tested for STD's and pregnancy and she wants me to go with her. Until then, she's worried out of her gourd and her parents think she was at my house and we went out walking and because her dad was gonna pick her up in a few minutes, I went home and she waited on one of the "main" intersections in the complex for him. (I'm going along with this story to protect her.) If it turns out that Betty is pregnant or she does have an STD, I don't know what I'm going to do. Hopefully, she's not and she doesn't but, what if always nags at the back of my head when I think about that. I started ragging on Damien and asked him "why" and he refused to talk about it on the bus. I totally respected him for that and I totally love him for it. Had he been totally willing to get into a discussion on the bus for all the world to hear, I'd have killed him. I've gotta go get ready for my eye doctor appointment now. Thanks for listening.