Blame

I don't blame myself. As a matter of course, when it comes to things with my parents, I don't blame myself. When they got seperated (the last time because they kept us sheltered from the first few with excuses) and when they got divorced, they made sure to tell Joey and I that it wasn't our fault. That we didn't do anything wrong. And never once did it even cross my mind that I might be to blame. But this week, from yesterday after court to Thursday, I'm supposed to be at Mom's. Well, I told the law guardian I wanted to live with Dad and Mom got that fact out of me (I could see how much it hurt her and that killed me). So when Mom called and said that Ray has to go to Jersey for a gig and the ford broke (again), I couldn't help it. She told me that "this [had] nothing to do with what [I] told [my] law guardian". Didn't matter. She could have said that for eternity, sworn on the Holy Bible, but I wouldn't have believed it. It felt like it was because of what I said. It felt like it was my fault. I choked back my tears and finished the conversation. Then I had to make my face less I'm-trying-desperatly-not-to-cry to give the phone to Dad. That night, I finished my Godiva ice cream. I've been nursing that pint for over a month. A spoonful here, a spoonful there. I ate about 3/8 of the container that night. And still felt horrible. I know that it's probably not my fault but, it feels like it.

Yeah, I got you in trouble in High School

Lindz and I decided skinny dipping probably won't happen until next year. Not because we don't want to but because there's a lot of stuff happening from now til school starts and we don't think we'll have time. So it sucks but, we'll do it when we're sixteen instead. Oh well.

I've tried two things today that tasted horrid. Get out your shotguns 'cause one of them isn't something I shoulda tried. The first is unsweetened carob chips. Carob is good but unsweetened it sucks. So I was looking for some hot chocolate or something that I could eat/drink that was chocolate other than plain chocolate chips (semi-sweet, okay but, sickening after a little bit). Eventually, I found the hot chocolate but first, I found the Jack Daniels Whiskey. I dipped my finger in and tried a little bit. Just enough to taste it. Not enough for it to do anything to me at all but, yuck. It tastes like crud. If I had to choose between a beer and a shot of that, I'd choose the beer and I hate the taste of beer. Yuck. No, I won't be trying whiskey again. For some reason I just have this growing fixation with alcohol lately. Like, it always seems to come up in conversations and when I can try it, I do. Like there was a bottle of champange in the fridge and I wanted to try it but Dad wouldn't let me and it was unopened so I couldn't sneak any. But it was cheap stuff so it probably wasn't very good anyhow. But I keep like wanting to try it and what not. I guess it's the allure of what I can't have. But I can have hot chocolate with cinnamon, a heating pad/midol, and a nice spot on the couch to read Gone With The Wind. And that's just what I plan to do.

Vickey

P.S. Scratch that. Think I might go to the school and see if that guy I just saw heading up there was cute. hehehe ^_^ Scarlett O'Hara and Rhett Butler will probably be my companions til Gramma gets back though instead of possibly-cute boys at the park.

Colleen wants to get me drunk. I told her I won't get drunk but, I'll drink. Yes, I know. I'm 15. Don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs, don't have sex. I won't smoke, I won't do drugs (unlike some *cough*you know who you are sug *cough*), and I won't have sex til I'm married. But I've already had 1/2 a glass of wine and I don't see the harm in getting a little bit of a buzz. I won't get drunk. I'll keep my head. But, why not drink a teensey bit? (Kay. I can hear how much I'm trying to rationalize this. Obviously I shouldn't drink. I'm probably not going to. Don't worry about me.)

Oh, and I'm posting this in here only so that Sayid doesn't murder me. I'm actually kinda excited for school to start. I want to get my schedule and go clothes shopping and get all my supplies. I can't wait to start the school year off organized. I'm anxiously awaiting that routine school brings. My days are blending together and getting boring. I don't FLY properly in the summer because "I can always do that tomorrow." The other three seasons, I don't have that luxury. Time to go do *something* productive. Oh! I'll do my new calendar thing. Yay! ^_^

My morning

My appointment with my law guardian went well. His name is Matt Fero and he said that whatever I want, he'll help me get. He is *my* lawyer and whatever I say is confidential. So I told him I'd changed my mind and that I wanted to stay in Penfield. He asked if I wanted to see my mom more. Yes. Definitly. Every other weekend even in the summer is NOT enough. It's fine for normal school year but, for breaks and what not, I'd like better visits. So I'm getting every other holiday with each parent but Christmas Eve *always* with Dad. (Family tradition that I'm *so* not willing to break yet). As for the summer, I have to think about it and call him in a week. He gave me his cell number in case I ever need him. If I think about cutting or suicide, I'm to call him immediatly. If Dad doesn't get me my OB/GYN appointment, I'm to call him. If Ray (he mentioned Ray in particular b/c of the high sexual abuse by stepfathers to their stepdaughter rate in Rochester but I'm sure it goes for any guy) touches me in an intimate way or abuses me, I'm to call him right away. He said he wishes he could beat Jon for me (because he broke my heart way back in October). It was a very interesting meeting and I'm very glad that he's my attorney. He said that he'd tell the court that it was his recommendation so that Mom wouldn't get mad at me. I don't think she'd get mad but, she would be disappointed. I hate lying to her. An omission of truth is just as bad as a lie. Mom and Dad still don't know what I said today. And they won't either. I don't want them to know and thus, I won't tell them. He can't because of the whole confidentiality agreement. Guess I've gotta do a bit of thinking about how I want my summers to be. I'm getting tired for some reason. Time to either convince Lindz to put down the damn book (she's *actually* reading!) and go skinny-dipping or go to bed.

Tink

Update: she refuses to move from the book. Guess I'm not skinny-dipping tonight. :( It's one of those things that you *have* to do at some point and I haven't done it yet and I really wanna do it this summer but every time I come over here to do so, it doesn't happen for one reason or another. It *WILL* happen before Lindz leaves for Wisconsin.

I changed my mind. I don't want to move. Is it too late to change things? Court started 7/1, I see my law guardian on 7/29, and we go back to court on 8/16. Am I still allowed to change my mind? I still fight with Dad but now that I'm out of my depression, it's not as often and it's easier to deal with. Now I feel like school, friends, etc. is worth dealing with him for. But everything's in motion. Will I get in trouble? I'm so confsued and scared and vulnerable. I hate feeling vulnerable. Am I allowed to change my mind or have i made my bed and now I have to lie in it?
(This is why Mom and Lori can't read this anymore.)

Thank you all.

Ali update. I don't know exactly how she is but she refused medical treatment (she can. She's 18). She puked a few times so it got some stuff out of her system. She's still alive and didn't take anything else after the EMT's left. She might be staying here for a few days to get away from it all. Dad would drive her to school but we're trying to figure out how to get her back here after school. She's better but still not exactly happy about the fact that she's still alive. Oh, and she is talking to me even though I'm the one that called the ambulance. Gotta go now but wanted to say.....

 for your prayers last night. They are definitly appreciated. So many people were praying last night for her and now that she'll going to be alright, I just hope that she makes the decision to NOT attempt to take her own life again. Thank you for all your prayers. I'm very concerned about her but I know that if she listens, God will speak to her and let her know what to do. I don't know where she is with her walk with the Lord but I hope that she realizes that everything she learned a few months ago at camp is true.

Lovingly,
Vickey

Picture from www.ilusa.com/ urltranslator.htm

Please, please, please pray for Ali.

Ali, please. Pray for her, send good vibes, whatever it is that you do, do it now, please. She's been in the hospital before (as you and I know) for attempted suicide and she may be back there. I think she's trying to kill herself again tonight. Please just pray for her. I know she needs it. For those that read my main journal (y'all prolly do), she's the one that I was concerned about in the Saturday Six entry and she is the one that I want the ability to make want to live. Please pray for her.

A very unnerved, unrattled, shaky, concerned Vickey

P.S. Worried doesn't even begin to cover it. Oh shit. She's already taken pills. Pray for her. I'm working on 911 as I type. Oh God.