I'm sorry

Betty lost the baby today.

I'm sorry

I know I haven't updated lately. I've got to clarify what I said in my last entry but I haven't the patience at the moment. I've clarified it to Betty herself and that is what matters in my mind. But I'd like to clarify it here and for you. I'll just have to find the words to do so. For right now, I can't find them and I can't think clearly to find them. Right now I feel like the mother in The Upside of Anger. I try to come off one way, I want to come off that way, but I don't. I say or do the wrong thing and everything winds up screwed. I just wish I could come off the way I'm trying to. Yes, I'm mad that Betty didn't use a condom but, I'm past that. She made a mistake and she didn't PLAN on getting pregnant. I can't really make the words come out right right now. I debated deleting that last entry but, I realized that every reaction I have to this is valid and I want to keep that. I'll look back on this some day and I'll realize that getting mad was probably not the best reaction and that posting it in here where Betty can read it was probably the worst thing to do. That reactions like that should go in my handwritten journal. But I made a mistake. Just like Betty. My mistake changed our relationship just as much as hers did. Things between us are tense and frustrating now. They're nothing I want to deal with but because of our mistakes they're like that. And maybe we can get over it, soon. Maybe not. Maybe it'll take us a while but, who knows? I sure don't. But I do know this: whatever I want to say turns out wrong. And I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that I'm fucked up. I'm sorry that everything that comes out of my mouth sounds fucked up. I can't help it. Right now I'm the personality I hate. Betty will understand that better than the rest of you I'm sure. But the point is whatever I say seems to come out screwed up and I can't help it. It seems that if I do get my point across it comes out harshly or by the time I get my point across, my point has changed. Betty, I'm sorry that I hold so much influence over you. I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings with my last post. I hope that you can forgive my feelings. I know we can never go back to what we were. Our mistakes have assured us that. We've changed in the past two months. We're not who we were before school started. But, to quote my mother, who says that this means we can't be closer than we were before?

Okay, that's enough gut spilling for today. That's enough revealation of my heart and soul for one day. I love you all.

Vickey

Well...

9/27

Bullshitted that assignment. I really need to start doing my English homework because straining my mind for an example and ending up with a diaper commercial is not cool. And my leg still hurts horribly but at least I'm not Betty. She went to her mom's ob/gyn this morning. She has to go back in two weeks for her STD results but, she is (in her words) "most deff. pregnant" and due on May 23rd. Both my parents know, her mom knows, and Damien's mom knows. When I see Damien next, he is getting on hell of an earful. I am livid. I am pissed. She hoped she was. She "wants a story to tell". As the next nine months pass, it's going to get nearly impossible to conceal her identity. Her true identity will be revealed and she'll be screwed. Betty is a large part of my life. Already it's difficult. She's in for a long road whether she keeps the baby or not. The PPH website had the nerve to say most women don't feel sadness, regret, or depression after an abortion. I'm pissed. Why wasn't she smart enough to use a fucking condom? Why wasn't he? A condom is not fucking hard to get ahold of!

That's it. That's what you're gonna get pissed at me for, Betty. (Yeah, she can read this journal, fyi.) I'm going to go take advantage of the clean tub after I do my global homework. More entries tomorrow. When I'm avoiding my dad's girlfriend. bwahaha

Vickey

Well...

Don't have time for an update tonight but, Betty is pregnant. She's due May 23rd. More tomorrow.

Vickey

Options

Damien told his mom and Betty told hers. Her dad doesn't know yet. Betty and my mom are kinda close so Betty called Mom and they talked. Mom said that if Betty gives the baby up for adoption, the baby can go to Mom.  I've got about fifty billion questions but, none of them are really my concern. Stuff like who's gonna name the baby? What last name will it have? (Damien's, Betty's, or Mom's?) Will the baby know his/her mother is Betty? Will Damien know the baby? What will this baby call me? Legally, it'll be my half-sibling but, Betty and I have known for years that we'll be like aunts to each others children so will it be my little sibling or my neice or nephew? Obviously Samantha and Betty's baby would be raised as siblings. There's a lot of questions I have and none of them are really things that have to be thought of until some time down the road and certainly none of them really are my business. They're between Betty and Mom and Ray or whatever other couple she chooses to raise her child. Betty's not in favor of abortion and never has been. She also realizes that it would be nearly impossible to raise her baby herself and wants what is best for her child. Mind you, none of this is for sure. She still hasn't been to the doctor to confirm or deny her pregnancy. Thanks, y'all for listening to this. I'm gonna go repack my bag since I'm going to Lindz's tonight.

The Saga Continues...

I talked to Damien today about Betty. Mind you, it was on the bus so we were basically talking in code. But he asked if I still wanted to give him that speech and I told him no. It's as much Betty's fault as his. And if there are "reprocutions" (aka if she's preggers), he'd be getting a speech and much more from me. Betty came over after school. Well, around 7:30, she got here. And she took a test. And it had a bold line to show it was working... and a faint one that meant... she's pregnant. She's 15! I don't know what she's gonna do but, for one, she's gonna get a dr. to tell her if it's right or not. Then she's got three choices: keep it, abort it, or give it up for adoption. And I have no clue how to advise her. All I know is that my mom was 15 when she had my older brother. She had to give him up 6 months later when she couldn't keep up with school and take care of him. Then 1 1/2 after she gave him up, along I came. I just want what is best for Betty in the long run. What that is, God only knows. (And she doesn't know this last part but, I've known or at least highly suspected she was for a while. Ever since she said that her stomach was hard. Which, I believe, is how Bernadette found out about Pey.)

Daddy's Little Girl...

I was Daddy's Little Girl. Some part of me always will be. And part of me is returning there. I used to hear this song and want to barf because I "hate him so much". Now, I hear it and wish I were seven again and Daddy's Little Girl. I think it killed my parents when they went from Mommy and Daddy to Mom and Dad. Daddy changed slower though. Is it pride that's keeping me from how I (sometimes) want to act? To be sweet and innocent and Daddy's Little Girl? To call him "Daddy" instead of the "Father I whip out when I'm especially pissed? Damn pride.

I have a business call to make tomorrow (to my lawyer) so I need some rest. Good night, y'all.
Vickey

sex

I have a friend that might be pregnant. For the sake of this entry, I'm going to call her Betty. Her name is not Betty and I don't know anyone named Betty which makes this a perfect pseudo-name. So a few days ago Betty rode my bus because she didn't know what her bus number was. The bus was packed and I got on before her (she stopped to talk to a friend) so when she got on she had to sit on this guy's lap. We'll call this guy Damien because I don't know anyone named Damien and it's not his name so it makes a perfect pseudo-name. We both know Damien and he thinks of me as a little sister. Not so with Betty. He's got the hots for Betty and she knows it. Well, Betty decided to go hang out with Damien instead of coming to my house til her dad could pick her up. While they were hanging out, somehow they decided to have sex. So now Betty lost her virginity, might have STD's (Damien is sexually active and probably hasn't been tested), and there's a chance she might be pregnant. She has to get to a clinic to get tested for STD's and pregnancy and she wants me to go with her. Until then, she's worried out of her gourd and her parents think she was at my house and we went out walking and because her dad was gonna pick her up in a few minutes, I went home and she waited on one of the "main" intersections in the complex for him. (I'm going along with this story to protect her.) If it turns out that Betty is pregnant or she does have an STD, I don't know what I'm going to do. Hopefully, she's not and she doesn't but, what if always nags at the back of my head when I think about that. I started ragging on Damien and asked him "why" and he refused to talk about it on the bus. I totally respected him for that and I totally love him for it. Had he been totally willing to get into a discussion on the bus for all the world to hear, I'd have killed him. I've gotta go get ready for my eye doctor appointment now. Thanks for listening.

...

When I don't type these directly into here, I write them on paper and then type them up. I throw the papers on the ground and I pick them up when I'm all done and I burn them so Dad can't read them. Apparently, I missed one. I wrote an entry a while ago in my public journal called Fairy Tales and Happiness that I had written down then typed up. Dad was looking in his calendar and flipped to the back. I saw a sheet of paper that had my writing on it and asked him what it was. "Oh nothing." Yeah, right. So when he was out, I looked. I found my Christmas list and at first thought that was it. Then I remembered I saw the word "Mommy" written on it. So I looked about 2 seconds more and found it. My writing. The original copy of that entry. He hasn't approached me about it and I doubt he will. I haven't mentioned it to him and I won't. But I can't believe he took my writing after saying so many times that he doesn't read my journals, that he doesn't read those entries I throw on the ground. At least it was one of the ones that *didn't* deal with cutting. I know he knows but if he had found one of them, I'd just die.

Gotta go. The lights are flickering and it's thundering. Time for Gone With the Wind. Oh, and as I mentioned in most of my public journals, I will be gone until the 28th. See you when I get back. Love you!

Blame

I don't blame myself. As a matter of course, when it comes to things with my parents, I don't blame myself. When they got seperated (the last time because they kept us sheltered from the first few with excuses) and when they got divorced, they made sure to tell Joey and I that it wasn't our fault. That we didn't do anything wrong. And never once did it even cross my mind that I might be to blame. But this week, from yesterday after court to Thursday, I'm supposed to be at Mom's. Well, I told the law guardian I wanted to live with Dad and Mom got that fact out of me (I could see how much it hurt her and that killed me). So when Mom called and said that Ray has to go to Jersey for a gig and the ford broke (again), I couldn't help it. She told me that "this [had] nothing to do with what [I] told [my] law guardian". Didn't matter. She could have said that for eternity, sworn on the Holy Bible, but I wouldn't have believed it. It felt like it was because of what I said. It felt like it was my fault. I choked back my tears and finished the conversation. Then I had to make my face less I'm-trying-desperatly-not-to-cry to give the phone to Dad. That night, I finished my Godiva ice cream. I've been nursing that pint for over a month. A spoonful here, a spoonful there. I ate about 3/8 of the container that night. And still felt horrible. I know that it's probably not my fault but, it feels like it.

Yeah, I got you in trouble in High School

Lindz and I decided skinny dipping probably won't happen until next year. Not because we don't want to but because there's a lot of stuff happening from now til school starts and we don't think we'll have time. So it sucks but, we'll do it when we're sixteen instead. Oh well.

I've tried two things today that tasted horrid. Get out your shotguns 'cause one of them isn't something I shoulda tried. The first is unsweetened carob chips. Carob is good but unsweetened it sucks. So I was looking for some hot chocolate or something that I could eat/drink that was chocolate other than plain chocolate chips (semi-sweet, okay but, sickening after a little bit). Eventually, I found the hot chocolate but first, I found the Jack Daniels Whiskey. I dipped my finger in and tried a little bit. Just enough to taste it. Not enough for it to do anything to me at all but, yuck. It tastes like crud. If I had to choose between a beer and a shot of that, I'd choose the beer and I hate the taste of beer. Yuck. No, I won't be trying whiskey again. For some reason I just have this growing fixation with alcohol lately. Like, it always seems to come up in conversations and when I can try it, I do. Like there was a bottle of champange in the fridge and I wanted to try it but Dad wouldn't let me and it was unopened so I couldn't sneak any. But it was cheap stuff so it probably wasn't very good anyhow. But I keep like wanting to try it and what not. I guess it's the allure of what I can't have. But I can have hot chocolate with cinnamon, a heating pad/midol, and a nice spot on the couch to read Gone With The Wind. And that's just what I plan to do.

Vickey

P.S. Scratch that. Think I might go to the school and see if that guy I just saw heading up there was cute. hehehe ^_^ Scarlett O'Hara and Rhett Butler will probably be my companions til Gramma gets back though instead of possibly-cute boys at the park.

Colleen wants to get me drunk. I told her I won't get drunk but, I'll drink. Yes, I know. I'm 15. Don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs, don't have sex. I won't smoke, I won't do drugs (unlike some *cough*you know who you are sug *cough*), and I won't have sex til I'm married. But I've already had 1/2 a glass of wine and I don't see the harm in getting a little bit of a buzz. I won't get drunk. I'll keep my head. But, why not drink a teensey bit? (Kay. I can hear how much I'm trying to rationalize this. Obviously I shouldn't drink. I'm probably not going to. Don't worry about me.)

Oh, and I'm posting this in here only so that Sayid doesn't murder me. I'm actually kinda excited for school to start. I want to get my schedule and go clothes shopping and get all my supplies. I can't wait to start the school year off organized. I'm anxiously awaiting that routine school brings. My days are blending together and getting boring. I don't FLY properly in the summer because "I can always do that tomorrow." The other three seasons, I don't have that luxury. Time to go do *something* productive. Oh! I'll do my new calendar thing. Yay! ^_^

My morning

My appointment with my law guardian went well. His name is Matt Fero and he said that whatever I want, he'll help me get. He is *my* lawyer and whatever I say is confidential. So I told him I'd changed my mind and that I wanted to stay in Penfield. He asked if I wanted to see my mom more. Yes. Definitly. Every other weekend even in the summer is NOT enough. It's fine for normal school year but, for breaks and what not, I'd like better visits. So I'm getting every other holiday with each parent but Christmas Eve *always* with Dad. (Family tradition that I'm *so* not willing to break yet). As for the summer, I have to think about it and call him in a week. He gave me his cell number in case I ever need him. If I think about cutting or suicide, I'm to call him immediatly. If Dad doesn't get me my OB/GYN appointment, I'm to call him. If Ray (he mentioned Ray in particular b/c of the high sexual abuse by stepfathers to their stepdaughter rate in Rochester but I'm sure it goes for any guy) touches me in an intimate way or abuses me, I'm to call him right away. He said he wishes he could beat Jon for me (because he broke my heart way back in October). It was a very interesting meeting and I'm very glad that he's my attorney. He said that he'd tell the court that it was his recommendation so that Mom wouldn't get mad at me. I don't think she'd get mad but, she would be disappointed. I hate lying to her. An omission of truth is just as bad as a lie. Mom and Dad still don't know what I said today. And they won't either. I don't want them to know and thus, I won't tell them. He can't because of the whole confidentiality agreement. Guess I've gotta do a bit of thinking about how I want my summers to be. I'm getting tired for some reason. Time to either convince Lindz to put down the damn book (she's *actually* reading!) and go skinny-dipping or go to bed.

Tink

Update: she refuses to move from the book. Guess I'm not skinny-dipping tonight. :( It's one of those things that you *have* to do at some point and I haven't done it yet and I really wanna do it this summer but every time I come over here to do so, it doesn't happen for one reason or another. It *WILL* happen before Lindz leaves for Wisconsin.

I changed my mind. I don't want to move. Is it too late to change things? Court started 7/1, I see my law guardian on 7/29, and we go back to court on 8/16. Am I still allowed to change my mind? I still fight with Dad but now that I'm out of my depression, it's not as often and it's easier to deal with. Now I feel like school, friends, etc. is worth dealing with him for. But everything's in motion. Will I get in trouble? I'm so confsued and scared and vulnerable. I hate feeling vulnerable. Am I allowed to change my mind or have i made my bed and now I have to lie in it?
(This is why Mom and Lori can't read this anymore.)

Thank you all.

Ali update. I don't know exactly how she is but she refused medical treatment (she can. She's 18). She puked a few times so it got some stuff out of her system. She's still alive and didn't take anything else after the EMT's left. She might be staying here for a few days to get away from it all. Dad would drive her to school but we're trying to figure out how to get her back here after school. She's better but still not exactly happy about the fact that she's still alive. Oh, and she is talking to me even though I'm the one that called the ambulance. Gotta go now but wanted to say.....

 for your prayers last night. They are definitly appreciated. So many people were praying last night for her and now that she'll going to be alright, I just hope that she makes the decision to NOT attempt to take her own life again. Thank you for all your prayers. I'm very concerned about her but I know that if she listens, God will speak to her and let her know what to do. I don't know where she is with her walk with the Lord but I hope that she realizes that everything she learned a few months ago at camp is true.

Lovingly,
Vickey

Picture from www.ilusa.com/ urltranslator.htm

Please, please, please pray for Ali.

Ali, please. Pray for her, send good vibes, whatever it is that you do, do it now, please. She's been in the hospital before (as you and I know) for attempted suicide and she may be back there. I think she's trying to kill herself again tonight. Please just pray for her. I know she needs it. For those that read my main journal (y'all prolly do), she's the one that I was concerned about in the Saturday Six entry and she is the one that I want the ability to make want to live. Please pray for her.

A very unnerved, unrattled, shaky, concerned Vickey

P.S. Worried doesn't even begin to cover it. Oh shit. She's already taken pills. Pray for her. I'm working on 911 as I type. Oh God.

Hi there.

I'm a very public person. Most of my thoughts are in my main blog. Which is why you all aren't getting a very heavy dose of crap. For one, I forget about this journal. For two, I write a lot in my main blog and I'm very public. I might transfer some stuff in here at some future date so that not everyone can read about the whole temptation bit. But maybe not. I don't know. I guess I'm too trusting. I'm strongly considering adding a few people as well. But I'm not sure. So, yea. I'm gonna go now. Much love to all!

Tinkerbell

Ali update

Ali update.... She's in the hospital. She tried to kill herself. She thought I'd be mad. I'm not mad. I'm sad that she got to that point, I'm disappointed that she felt that was her only option. From the part of the conversation I overheard (Lindz was on the phone with her) she cut and she took pills. I didn't hear what pills or how many. Excuse me while I beat Lindsay into a pulp for being such a dorkus. Okay, I'm back. Lindz isn't dead. Yet. Anyhow, back to my entry. I've just been informed that she took a whole lotta medicine, ibprofen, flu medicine, cold medicine, aderal, and some other stuff. She also used scissors and I'm not going into detail because I a) don't want to have to write it and b) don't want to gross/freak y'all out. Lindz is going to visit her on Sunday and I might go along. I don't know if a) I'm emotionally/mentally stable enough and b) where I am. So yea.... more mental battles for me to add. Whatever. I'll deal with it. Somehow. My blogs are keepin' me sane regardless of the shit that goes on. So yay for JLand! *snaps* So yea.... I'm off to go write up the laughs Lindz gave me in my public journal. If you haven't read it yet, go read it. It's hilarious.....

Tinkerbell

JuMpInG!

Okay, I can't stop jumping up and down and all that and whatever. Anyhow, just an update on Ali. I called the HS and talked to her counselor. She's apparently getting help. I didn't give any more details to her shrink but she said that "there's a lot of people paying attention to [Ali]". So I feel better about that. Yay for Ali for getting the help! I'll talk to her soon and get her to talk to me about what she told her shrink, if she's willing. Now, I'm off to do my usual. A million things at once.

Tinkerbell

Oh, and this journal's NAME is going to change to something but the address will not. Not sure if it'll mess with the alerts when I do change it. I've gotta find a new name before I change it. Hmmmm..... *thinking cap on*

Shock

Ali asked me if I wanted to see her arms, meaning the pictures she scanned of her arms on the computer. Here's the conversation that transpired.

ali:  ok do you want to see or do you not do well with that kind of stuff
ali:  you dotn have to see it
ali:  i was jsut asking
me:  it's up to you.
ali:  no its really up to you
ali:  idk if you see them but you might now want to
ali:  brb
me:  okay
ali:  ok back well u want to or nto
me:  i don't know, hun. sure, go ahead and send it.
ali:  what do you nto know?
me:  a lotta stuff. nvm
ali:  no
ali:  r u sure you want to see it
me:  sure
ali:  that is nto a no and it is deff not a yes
me:  i know.
ali:  well no
ali:  or yes idk i really dont
me:  what don't you know?
ali:  idc idc*
me:  ic
ali:  i will take it as a no then
me:  if you think i should see it, yes.
ali:  idc if you see it but you do so
ali:  stop making it hard lol
me:  why did you "work on" them last night?
ali:  cuz i was upset and i was bugging and i was just in need of pain and to feel soem thing so i did
me:  what does pain do for you?
ali:  makes em feel better and it liek i need it to surive
me:  does your family not think of emotional pain as real pain?
ali:  yes we do
ali:  it is pain
ali:  but that is not what i mena
ali:  idk what i mena
me:  let me see it.
ali:  u sure
me:  yes

So she sent me the photos. I won't include them here as I think they may be a bit graphic for some. This journal may not have much so far but I sense that it'll be gaining more entries. Mostly about my friends and their relationships with their blades. *tear* I've become immune to this stuff for the most part. But these pictures and all this is making me cry. I'll be fine but will they?

My german teacher asked me what my hobbies were. I nearly asked her, "How do you say, 'I save their worlds.'?" But instead I told her, "Ich liese." (I read.) Easy out. But I guess this isn't a hobby. It's more of a job. One that I don't mind doing much. Most of the time. I'd rather do it and have them get over their problems than not do it and have them take their own life. So I guess this is more me dealing with dealing with their problems. How I feel about it and all than them. But it'll probably also be facts and what's really happening. Enjoy your glimpse into my world. It may be a rocky path but that's not up to me.

Tinkerbell