The end of the world as I knew it

Hey, guys. Long time, eh? Sorry that I haven't written much in any of my AOL journals. I haven't really been writing as much as I used to anywhere. I'm not in the best of headspaces right now (as evidenced by the fact that I lost my english paper and my bio packet). Luckily, I've got Jack to save my arse.

Lindsay and I got into a huge fight. We aren't friends anymore. We've hardly spoken in two weeks and things are not going to get better. She is an attention-starved tart and that's that. She could potentially wreck my reputation and thus my life easily if she wanted to and I could further destroy her rep (she hasn't had a good rep since the 7th grade) but I've caused enough damage to her life by basically taking away her friends. (Both me and Mag aren't friends with her and a bunch of her other friends have been distancing themselves for a while so she's got no friends through her own fault.) That's probably the biggest thing in my life right now. It's odd but I don't really miss her. It was a parasitic relationship that I should've gotten out of earlier but I wasn't strong enough to get up and get out. So I stayed friends with her for five years and now I'm not. Just like that.

I gotta go. Major homework to do. Later, loves.

poem

Beware: EXTREMELY MORBID AND DISTURBING!

Slash slash
cut cut
hear the sounds of
skin ripping?

pull the blade
across your wrist
in a moment
you'll be dead.

tighten up,
kick the chair,
hurry up or they'll
walk in.

overdose on pointless pills.
what's the good in living?
drift off into a peaceful rest.
never waking up again.

suicide is real.
suicide is truth.
suicide is the only way out
alive.

this world will kill you.
leave you dead inside.
suicide will get you out.
come on, won't you try?


No, I am NOT suicidal nor was I when I wrote this. I promise you that. It's disturbed but the reason you're reading this journal is because I trust you. I would tell you if I was suicidal. I was wondering how a guy at my school committed suicide (morbid, I know) and this came pouring out of my pen. I later discovered the method. I'm heading to bed. Happy Valentine's Day.

Screwed up

Long time no write. Well not really. I've gone longer than that without an entry. I'm really out of it lately. A boy at my school comitted suicide Monday night and it really shook me up. I didn't know him. I can't write about this right now. I'll probably cry if I do and I don't want to cry again. Things with Jon are royally screwed up but I'm okay with that. He's not the right guy for me now and I'm doing my best to get over him. I can go entire days without thinking about him now. I can think about him and realize that kissing him that night would have been a very bad decision. I just couldn't do that, it didn't feel right, and he was putting too much pressure on me. It shouldn't have taken the force it did to get his arms to let go of me. It should have been as simple as "I'm going to bed now. Good night." but it wasn't. It was begging and pleading and "please just let me go, I just want to go to bed, Jon". Shouldn't have been like that at all. My life lately is complicated. I'm depressed and upset and getting over a broken-heart and a whole lot of things right now. Ugh. Scott just got in. He's my grandma's husband. And it means I prolly have to get off the computer and go to bed. Damn landshark. haha don't ask. I wanna go to NYC again. Kay, I'm rambling. Shutting up and going to bed now. G'night.

*sigh*

This year has been one hell of a ride so far. I've screwed up so many ways, so many times already and my love life appears doomed. On the bright side, I have a counseling appointment tomorrow with a new shrink. But on the dark side, I screwed up. Umm... things with Jon got very confusing, very fast and we both got hurt in the process. We almost kissed (::cringes because I'm giving Auntie Lori access to this again and she gets to read all this::) but I decided not to risk the friendship by kissing him. We spent something like 3 hours, if not longer, talking in his room the morning of the first. (All we did was talk, pretty much.) We talked, we laid there, we just kinda hung out. I nearly melted into goo when he had his arms around me and was kissing my neck (btw:definite weakness of mine) but somehow I held my reserve and didn't kiss him (no matter how much I wanted to). I went to sleep on the couch around 5, feeling like crap, thinking I'd made a mistake. Over the next few days, I came to the conclusion that I couldn't. I couldn't kiss him or hold his hand or anything because while we were talking he said something and I guess I heard him wrong because what I heard was "You know I do pot, right?" and my friend was talking to him yesterday and he told her that he'd been clean for four months. So last night we got into a bit of a tiff because I told him my rule. Get clean, get sober, get saved, or get lost. I didn't think he was clean or saved and he apparently is. So now he's mad and hurt and he told me that he never had feelings for me (which, btw:I know isn't true). I could handle him saying that he doesn't have feelings for me anymore but to say he never had feelings for me killed me. Oh and umm by the way, I think I'm in love with him. I don't use those words lightly and I don't just throw them around like they're candy. Those words have only ever entered my thoughts about him... Jon's a complicated matter and either we'd be perfect together and it'd be one of the best things to ever happen to us or it would completely wreck whatever shreds of friendship we've still got and it would be the worst possible thing ever. Who knows what it would be? So that's my life recently. A lot of confusion and a lot of hurt.

Auntie, can I ask you a question or three? Is he lying? Is Jon really clean or just saying that? Is he (to the best of your knowledge) saved? Sorry for throwing this at you. Guess I might as well let Mom read this now too since I'm sure you'll wind up talking to her about it... lol

Vickey

I'm sorry

Betty lost the baby today.

I'm sorry

I know I haven't updated lately. I've got to clarify what I said in my last entry but I haven't the patience at the moment. I've clarified it to Betty herself and that is what matters in my mind. But I'd like to clarify it here and for you. I'll just have to find the words to do so. For right now, I can't find them and I can't think clearly to find them. Right now I feel like the mother in The Upside of Anger. I try to come off one way, I want to come off that way, but I don't. I say or do the wrong thing and everything winds up screwed. I just wish I could come off the way I'm trying to. Yes, I'm mad that Betty didn't use a condom but, I'm past that. She made a mistake and she didn't PLAN on getting pregnant. I can't really make the words come out right right now. I debated deleting that last entry but, I realized that every reaction I have to this is valid and I want to keep that. I'll look back on this some day and I'll realize that getting mad was probably not the best reaction and that posting it in here where Betty can read it was probably the worst thing to do. That reactions like that should go in my handwritten journal. But I made a mistake. Just like Betty. My mistake changed our relationship just as much as hers did. Things between us are tense and frustrating now. They're nothing I want to deal with but because of our mistakes they're like that. And maybe we can get over it, soon. Maybe not. Maybe it'll take us a while but, who knows? I sure don't. But I do know this: whatever I want to say turns out wrong. And I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that I'm fucked up. I'm sorry that everything that comes out of my mouth sounds fucked up. I can't help it. Right now I'm the personality I hate. Betty will understand that better than the rest of you I'm sure. But the point is whatever I say seems to come out screwed up and I can't help it. It seems that if I do get my point across it comes out harshly or by the time I get my point across, my point has changed. Betty, I'm sorry that I hold so much influence over you. I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings with my last post. I hope that you can forgive my feelings. I know we can never go back to what we were. Our mistakes have assured us that. We've changed in the past two months. We're not who we were before school started. But, to quote my mother, who says that this means we can't be closer than we were before?

Okay, that's enough gut spilling for today. That's enough revealation of my heart and soul for one day. I love you all.

Vickey

Well...

9/27

Bullshitted that assignment. I really need to start doing my English homework because straining my mind for an example and ending up with a diaper commercial is not cool. And my leg still hurts horribly but at least I'm not Betty. She went to her mom's ob/gyn this morning. She has to go back in two weeks for her STD results but, she is (in her words) "most deff. pregnant" and due on May 23rd. Both my parents know, her mom knows, and Damien's mom knows. When I see Damien next, he is getting on hell of an earful. I am livid. I am pissed. She hoped she was. She "wants a story to tell". As the next nine months pass, it's going to get nearly impossible to conceal her identity. Her true identity will be revealed and she'll be screwed. Betty is a large part of my life. Already it's difficult. She's in for a long road whether she keeps the baby or not. The PPH website had the nerve to say most women don't feel sadness, regret, or depression after an abortion. I'm pissed. Why wasn't she smart enough to use a fucking condom? Why wasn't he? A condom is not fucking hard to get ahold of!

That's it. That's what you're gonna get pissed at me for, Betty. (Yeah, she can read this journal, fyi.) I'm going to go take advantage of the clean tub after I do my global homework. More entries tomorrow. When I'm avoiding my dad's girlfriend. bwahaha

Vickey